Healthy Self-Esteem for Children and Parents by Sarah Cox Registered Psychologist, BPsych(Hons)/Clinical Masters Candidate
Healthy Self-Esteem for Children and Parents
by Sarah Cox, Registered Psychologist - BPsyc(Hons)/Clinical Masters Candidate
March 2021
by Sarah Cox, Registered Psychologist - BPsyc(Hons)/Clinical Masters Candidate
March 2021
What is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is a word we hear a lot, but what does it actually mean and how can we help our children develop positive self-esteem? Healthy self-esteem involves seeing ourself and our abilities in a generally positive and realistic way. It means being able to recognise our strengths, positive qualities, and worth, as well as our imperfections. Healthy self-esteem helps us build positive relationships, cope more effectively with challenges and adversity, and can help protect us from developing mental health issues like depression or anxiety disorders. A healthy self-esteem can help us recover more quickly from disappointments and keep working towards our goals.
Everyone has times of feeling overwhelmed, insecure, and doubting ourselves, particularly when faced with challenges that push us outside our comfort zones. But if these doubts and insecurities are persistent, it might be a sign that our self-esteem could do with a boost!
Everyone has times of feeling overwhelmed, insecure, and doubting ourselves, particularly when faced with challenges that push us outside our comfort zones. But if these doubts and insecurities are persistent, it might be a sign that our self-esteem could do with a boost!
The Important Role of Parents & Caregivers in the Development of Children’s Self-Esteem

A child’s self-esteem develops over time and is very much influenced by the behaviour of the important people in the child’s life, like their parents, other caregivers, and siblings. From the moment a child is born, we start to lay the groundwork for the development of self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem is likely to develop when:
A child can be vulnerable to developing low self-esteem in an environment where there is a lot of criticism, where expectations of the child are unrealistically high, where a lot of focus is placed on achievement and ‘being the best’ at school or in sports, or where there is a lot of stress or challenges that are out of the child’s control.
- The child feels safe, loved, and valued.
- The child is given appropriate physical affection.
- Caregivers show interest in the child.
- Caregivers are attuned to the child’s physical and emotional needs.
A child can be vulnerable to developing low self-esteem in an environment where there is a lot of criticism, where expectations of the child are unrealistically high, where a lot of focus is placed on achievement and ‘being the best’ at school or in sports, or where there is a lot of stress or challenges that are out of the child’s control.
How Can I Support the Development of Healthy Self-Esteem in my Child?
In addition to creating an environment where your child feels safe, loved, and valued, the following tips can help increase the chance of healthy self-esteem developing for your child.
- Express love for your child through your words and behaviour. Tell them you love them on a daily basis. Give them lots of cuddles, kisses, smiles, and eye contact. Tell them, and show them, that you enjoy spending time with them.
- Get to know your child. Show interest in their hobbies, friendships, and their life. Ask them questions about their day to learn about their thoughts and feelings. Try to accept that their thoughts and feelings may be different from your own, and avoid judging or criticising them when they express themselves.
- Spend quality time with your child. Help your child explore and connect with their strengths and areas of interest. Play games and activities that they enjoy and are interested in.
- Encourage your child to spend time with other people who love and care for them, like friends, family, and community groups. This will help them develop a sense of belonging and acceptance.
- Praise your child’s efforts and perseverance, rather than just praising success. Encourage your child to try their best and celebrate their progress and achievements, but avoid putting pressure on them to ‘be the best’.
- Encourage your child to view failures or disappointments as opportunities for learning and growth.
- Avoid labelling your child as good or bad, as well as avoiding other negative labels. Instead notice and praise your child’s strengths, positive qualities, and positive behaviours. Be specific with your compliments. “I love the colours you’ve used in this picture, it’s so creative!”… “I can see how much effort you’ve put into this assignment”... “That was very thoughtful of you to offer some of your biscuit to your brother”.
- When setting boundaries, focus on labelling the behaviour as the problem, and not the child as the problem. Children benefit from knowing that while you may not approve of all their behaviour, you will always love and approve of them as a person.
- Avoid comparing your child to their siblings or other children at school or in the community. Comparing ourselves to others can leave us feeling ‘less than’, as we don’t always see the effort and struggles that someone else has gone through to reach their goals. Instead encourage your child to focus on their own personal progress.
- Don’t be too hard on yourself! No-one is perfect, and being a parent can be really hard and stressful sometimes. Accept that you will make mistakes, and try to treat yourself the way you would treat a friend at these times: with understanding, compassion, kindness, and encouragement. This will help support your own self-esteem and wellbeing, while also role-modelling this healthy behaviour for your child too!
What if I have Low Self-Esteem Myself?

If a parent or caregiver has low self-esteem and sees themselves in a critical or negative way, their children may inadvertently be learning this way of thinking too. The following ideas can help build your own self-esteem, which will be of benefit to you and your family.
- Learn and practice self-compassion.
- Be aware of the voice of your ‘inner critic’ and practice speaking to yourself more kindly.
- Try to change negative thinking habits that can contribute to low self-esteem, like seeing things in an all or nothing way, focusing on your mistakes, or discounting the positives.
- Acknowledge and celebrate your strengths, positive qualities, and efforts towards achieving your goals.
- Try to use your strengths every day, even if in small ways.
- Don’t compare yourself to others. Instead compare ‘yourself to yourself’, and focus on your own personal progress.
- Seek support from a mental health professional if you’re having difficulty increasing your self-esteem on your own, and to process anything from your past or present circumstances that may be impacting your self-esteem.
Sources
https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/understanding-behaviour/about-self-esteem
https://raisingchildren.net.au/school-age/behaviour/understanding-behaviour/building-self-esteem
https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/self-esteem#:~:text=Some%20of%20the%20many%20causes,relationship%20breakdown%20or%20financial%20trouble
https://au.reachout.com/articles/10-tips-for-improving-your-self-esteem
https://self-compassion.org/
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Esteem
https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/understanding-behaviour/about-self-esteem
https://raisingchildren.net.au/school-age/behaviour/understanding-behaviour/building-self-esteem
https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/self-esteem#:~:text=Some%20of%20the%20many%20causes,relationship%20breakdown%20or%20financial%20trouble
https://au.reachout.com/articles/10-tips-for-improving-your-self-esteem
https://self-compassion.org/
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Esteem