Separation Anxiety: A Two-Way Street
By Lauren Ehrenfeld Psychologist, BPsych(Hons), Assoc MAPS
December 2023
By Lauren Ehrenfeld Psychologist, BPsych(Hons), Assoc MAPS
December 2023
Nearly all very young children experience some anxiety separating from their parents or primary caregiver, and show some degree of clinginess. This is typical, and many young children will begin to outgrow this at around age 3 or 4. But there are some children that will persist to have difficulty separating, and show more significant symptoms of anxiety. These are the children with a separation anxiety disorder. Children with a separation anxiety disorder will worry about what will happen to their parent or close person, or themselves when they are separated. They will become anxious anticipating separations or avoid separating altogether.
There are a lot of suggested causes for a separation anxiety disorder, including biological vulnerability, environmental factors and stress. However, it is important that parents understand the role they play in their child’s separation anxiety.
There are a lot of suggested causes for a separation anxiety disorder, including biological vulnerability, environmental factors and stress. However, it is important that parents understand the role they play in their child’s separation anxiety.
Separation Anxiety is a Two-Way Street
It is important to consider how our actions as parents can make it more difficult for our child to separate from us, and whether we as parents ourselves are also experiencing some separation anxiety. If a parent is feeling and acting anxious regarding separations, this can cue to the child that separation is something to be anxious about, and they will model this behaviour.
Imagine this scenario – A boy is playing in the house and is called to dinner, so he goes and sits on his grandmother’s lap. The mother of the child then tells the boy to please sit in his own chair so he can eat – he says okay and gets up. Just as he gets up, his grandmother pulls him in tighter, hugging him, saying “no I want to sit with my special boy”. Now when the mother asks the boy again to move, he refuses, becomes teary and wants to stay with his grandmother. Another example – a mother is watching her child play in the playground. The mother is anxious that the child will hurt himself, as so cannot resist constantly intervening to make sure he is safe – holding his hand on the ladder, having him sit on her lap down the slide. She chose activities and playmates for him, and as a result he grew increasingly anxious and hesitant, often looking over to his mother for approval that she was watching and vigilant to ensure he did not hurt himself. It is important we are aware of how the closeness with our child is meeting our own needs, as well as theirs. Whether this be a need for closeness and attachment, or alleviating our own anxiety of our child’s safety and wellbeing. |
How can we address this?
The first step is to acknowledge as parents what needs of our own are being met by having this closeness to the child. This reflection is important in moving forward to make sure you as a parent can cope effectively and help your child navigate their anxiety. In addition, below, while not an exhaustive list, are some important principles in helping a child with separation anxiety.
- A safe and secure base. Children should have secure attachment with their parent or caregiver. With this security, the parent acts as a safe and secure base from which the child can go out and independently explore the world with greater confidence.
- Understanding patterns of interactions. Take note of how you repeatedly interact with your child in different contexts, and what their responses typically are. This will give greater insight into how your behaviour might be impacting your child, and what responses your child is seeking from you or vice versa.
- ‘Being with’ rather than ‘Doing for’. Being available and present for your child as they engage in activities, attempt new tasks and explore the world is not the same as doing those things for your child. This allows your child to feel emotionally supported and secure while attempting things, but still develop their independence.
- Reinforce positively. Praise your child for independence, ensuring that this is done with age-appropriate expectations. This can help make them feel more confident and capable. This includes making goodbyes positive, short and sweet.
- Gradually expose. Progressive steps to greater separation and independence for your child is a way to gently encourage them without the situation becoming too overwhelming. Don’t insist a child go to a sleepover camp if they first haven’t been able to separate for an evening playdate. Give supports to help a child manage their separation difficulties, and gradually fade these over time.
- Cope effectively. This includes both teaching children methods of effective coping for stress and anxiety, which can be done with the assistance of a psychologist, but also by modelling effective coping strategies yourself as a parent. This can include positive self-talk, mindfulness and relaxation techniques, or accepting difficult situations.