Parental Stress and Burnout: Fading Out the “Self-Critical” Parent
by Tian Georgiadis - Provisional Psychologist, BSc, BSc-Psych(Hons), GDipPsych
July 2020
by Tian Georgiadis - Provisional Psychologist, BSc, BSc-Psych(Hons), GDipPsych
July 2020
The true vulnerability of being a mother, father, or caregiver is difficult to describe. The responsibility of nurturing, protecting, guiding and supporting a child can feel relentless, overwhelming and exhausting. Although there’s no denying that being a parent can be one of the most rewarding experiences in one’s life, it certainly has its challenging days, weeks and even years – ask any parent. Parents of children with developmental diagnoses and concerns (e.g. ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, learning, anxiety or mood challenges) in particular have additional stressors affecting their day-to-day lives which can no doubt dampen the joys of parenting at times.
When supporting a child through such challenges, it is not uncommon for a parent or caregiver to experience stress, exhaustion, overwhelm, and ultimately, burnout. “Burnout” is defined as a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion that is caused by excessive and prolonged stress. Burnout puts parents at greater risk of developing their own mental health difficulties, such as anxiety and depression. It can also result in marital issues, family conflict and impact work responsibilities.
As human beings, we can be self-critical, and naturally as parents we too can be particularly self-critical of our parenting. During times of increased stress, we tend to get more caught up in our internal self-criticising thoughts such as “I’m failing as a parent” or “If only I had done things differently”.
Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to block out these thoughts. If someone says to you, “Do NOT think of a pink elephant”, what immediately pops into your head? A pink elephant… What this demonstrates is that when we try to take full control of our thoughts, our thoughts can get louder rather than disappear. Have you ever noticed that you have stressed because you were stressed?
When supporting a child through such challenges, it is not uncommon for a parent or caregiver to experience stress, exhaustion, overwhelm, and ultimately, burnout. “Burnout” is defined as a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion that is caused by excessive and prolonged stress. Burnout puts parents at greater risk of developing their own mental health difficulties, such as anxiety and depression. It can also result in marital issues, family conflict and impact work responsibilities.
As human beings, we can be self-critical, and naturally as parents we too can be particularly self-critical of our parenting. During times of increased stress, we tend to get more caught up in our internal self-criticising thoughts such as “I’m failing as a parent” or “If only I had done things differently”.
Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to block out these thoughts. If someone says to you, “Do NOT think of a pink elephant”, what immediately pops into your head? A pink elephant… What this demonstrates is that when we try to take full control of our thoughts, our thoughts can get louder rather than disappear. Have you ever noticed that you have stressed because you were stressed?
Dr Russ Harris asks,
“Have you ever had the experience of doing some activity whilst there was a radio on in the background and you were so absorbed in what you were doing and your favourite song came on and you started singing to it? Then the music changed and the radio faded into the background? What if you could learn to do this with your own mind?”
Whilst we cannot always control or eliminate our internal processes, we can learn to distance ourselves from our self-criticising thoughts and associated feelings to prevent them from affecting our mood and productivity. Just like the sound of the radio that fades into the background when the sound is not useful or of interest, we can also get our self-criticising thoughts to fade into the background.
“Have you ever had the experience of doing some activity whilst there was a radio on in the background and you were so absorbed in what you were doing and your favourite song came on and you started singing to it? Then the music changed and the radio faded into the background? What if you could learn to do this with your own mind?”
Whilst we cannot always control or eliminate our internal processes, we can learn to distance ourselves from our self-criticising thoughts and associated feelings to prevent them from affecting our mood and productivity. Just like the sound of the radio that fades into the background when the sound is not useful or of interest, we can also get our self-criticising thoughts to fade into the background.
The following strategies can help to decrease the noise of your thoughts in order to keep them at a distance:
- “I’m having the thought that…” – When a self-critical thought such as “I’m failing as a parent” comes up in your mind, say “I’m having the thought that I’m failing as a parent,” thereby creating some space between you and the thought, and noticing that it is simply a thought and not a fact about yourself.
- Naming the story – If all of your mind’s favourite self-critical thoughts were put into a book or movie, what would it be titled? Give the story a name such the ‘bad parent’ story. Then, each time this story shows up, name it, “Aha, there’s the ‘I’m a bad parent’ story again!” and then channel your energy into doing the task your completing at the time.
- Thanking your mind – When an unhelpful thought such as “I cannot cope anymore” comes to your mind, simply thank it with warmth and humour (e.g. “Thanks mind!” or “Thanks for sharing!”), and continue on with what you are doing.
- Imagine leaves on a stream – This exercise allows you to practice distancing yourself from your constant flow of thoughts. Whilst sitting quietly and focusing on your breath, when a thought pops up, imagine placing it on a leaf on top of a stream, and watch it gently sail away (You can listen to the ‘Leaves on a Stream’ script here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1C8hwj5LXw). Through this activity, you will come to notice that thoughts are simply passing streams of words that do not always require a reaction.
Through distancing from your self-critical thoughts, you will learn to:
Although learning to “fade out” the self-critical parent inside you will help you to feel less entangled in your thoughts; it is important to remember that burnout is serious, and can’t be ignored.
- Spend less time focussing on the negative and spend more time focussing on your child
- Feel less stress and burnout
- Feel more in control
- Be able to problem-solve much easier
- Avoid developing your own mental health challenges
Although learning to “fade out” the self-critical parent inside you will help you to feel less entangled in your thoughts; it is important to remember that burnout is serious, and can’t be ignored.
If the stress of being a parent to a child with a developmental disorder or associated concern is causing you to feel “burnt out”, remember:
- You are NOT ALONE. Parenthood IS exhausting at the best of times, and it is not shameful to struggle.
- It is important to TAKE A BREAK. All parents need a break from time to time, and it is vital to make time to practice self-care. Go for a walk, go to the gym, listen to music, catch up with friends, have a bubble bath, make time for “date nights”.
- If those around you offer to help out, SAY YES. Remember it takes a village to raise a child.
- Draw upon your child’s “care team”. Talk to their Paediatrician, School Counsellor, Speech Therapist, Occupational Therapist, or even sporting coach. No questions are silly questions. It is always better to have asked about something playing on your mind than to stress about it unnecessarily.
- Talk to other parents of children with developmental difficulties – this can help to normalise your experience.
- Try and take joy in the small things. Celebrate little wins, and appreciate when your child sings, laughs or smiles.
- MOST IMPORTANTLY, if the burn-out gets too much, SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.
Sources
Harris, R. (2009). ACT Made Simple: An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
Morgan, J., Robinson, D., & Aldridge, J. (2002). Parenting stress and externalizing child behaviour. Child and Family Social Work, 7, 219-225.
St Patrick’s Mental Health Services: Walk in My Shoes. (2017). Leaves on Stream. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1C8hwj5LXw
Harris, R. (2009). ACT Made Simple: An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
Morgan, J., Robinson, D., & Aldridge, J. (2002). Parenting stress and externalizing child behaviour. Child and Family Social Work, 7, 219-225.
St Patrick’s Mental Health Services: Walk in My Shoes. (2017). Leaves on Stream. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1C8hwj5LXw