Just a Spoonful of Quality Time: The Medicinal Qualities of Time with your Child
by Kate Wilson-Woolley, Provisional Psychologist - BArts/BSci (Psychology)(Hons)
February 2021
by Kate Wilson-Woolley, Provisional Psychologist - BArts/BSci (Psychology)(Hons)
February 2021
Have you ever been asked what you do to spend “quality time” with your child? What does this really mean? You might think to yourself, “I spend time with my child ALL the time; running after them, picking up after them, cleaning them, feeding them… the list goes on. But how often do you really spend intensive one-on-one time with your child, following their lead, engaging in their interests and play, without providing any direction? So many of us are busy, overscheduled and time poor, so why is it so important to prioritise quality time with our children?
Studies show that time spent engaged with your child, such as playing with, reading to and helping them with homework is correlated with better behaviour, academic performance and cognitive skill development. One study even looked at the benefits for parents, and found spending more time with children resulted in greater happiness and less sadness, stress and fatigue for the parents.
For children exhibiting challenging or defiant behaviour, quality time can make a particularly big difference. Children will always choose negative attention over no attention. Spending quality time with your child will mean their attention needs are being met by positive attention, and they won’t feel the need to seek it out with problematic behaviours as much.
Studies show that time spent engaged with your child, such as playing with, reading to and helping them with homework is correlated with better behaviour, academic performance and cognitive skill development. One study even looked at the benefits for parents, and found spending more time with children resulted in greater happiness and less sadness, stress and fatigue for the parents.
For children exhibiting challenging or defiant behaviour, quality time can make a particularly big difference. Children will always choose negative attention over no attention. Spending quality time with your child will mean their attention needs are being met by positive attention, and they won’t feel the need to seek it out with problematic behaviours as much.
So What is Quality Time?
Just you and your child.
Your undivided attention.
A positive, connection-building activity.
It doesn’t have to be long!
If the child is under 10, following the child’s lead in play will be very beneficial
- This can be tricky and requires some forethought. Do you have other children to think about? What could they do during this time, or who else could look after them?
- Sometimes it might be with more than one child, but one-on-one time with your child is likely to have the greatest effect.
Your undivided attention.
- You are probably juggling many things all the time, so this can be very challenging! Try to carve out 10 – 15 minutes a day where nothing is on the stove, all devices and screens are put away and you can focus all your attention on your child.
- Your child understands so much from your undivided attention, it’s truly a great gift you have to offer. Your child understands they are important, they are valued and they are worthy when you give them your undivided attention.
A positive, connection-building activity.
- While serious conversations and boundary setting is an important part of parenting, this is not what we mean by quality time.
- It might not always happen (and no need to lose heart when it doesn’t!) but we are aiming for a fun experience, where both parent and child walk away feeling lighter, connected, and happy.
- It might be playing trains with your child, or drawing. It might be drawing, colouring in, doing something crafty, or cooking together if you both enjoy that.
- If it is something where you are helping the child, such as with their homework, make sure there are many more compliments on their effort than criticisms or corrections. Bonus, this is a good way to build a positive attitude towards learning.
It doesn’t have to be long!
- Something is always better than nothing when it comes to quality time, you could start with 30 seconds!
- 10-15 minutes a day will see a big difference, particularly with children who are engaging in challenging behaviour.
- The best way to make sure it happens is to schedule it. Is there a time just after school, or just before bed that it could happen? Pop it in the calendar, your diary, and enjoy the benefits!
If the child is under 10, following the child’s lead in play will be very beneficial
- Why? Because play is the language of children. It’s where they process and express their feelings, thoughts and what they are learning.
- It will help you understand your child better, to know what they are dealing with and what’s important to them.
- So much of a child’s life is being told what to do and having adults set limits, and child-led play provides an opportunity to let the child be the leader, allowing them to feel their own agency, value and importance.
Have you tried and it’s really hard? Perhaps you don’t know what to do or what to say when it’s just you and your child. Perhaps you notice you get irritated or bored quickly, or your child refuses to engage (and maybe just wants to be on their device!). You are not alone. Many parents have this experience.
There are many reasons this could be happening; perhaps you didn’t have the experience as a child of a parent wanting to spend quality time with you, or your child is dealing with some big challenges such as trauma, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Autism Spectrum Disorder or Oppositional Defiant Disorder. If this is the case, getting support from a Psychologist or therapist for yourself to work through these feelings is a great first step. Therapists who work with children can also help you to create a plan to engage your child, starting small and making sure it’s productive for both of you. Therapy programs such as Theraplay or Child-Parent Relationship Therapy have been developed to support your relationship with your child, and making quality time fun, connecting and beneficial for both of you. |
Sources
Del Bono, E, Francesconi, M, Kelly, Y, et al. (2016) Early maternal time investment and early child outcomes. Economic Journal 126(596): F96–F135.
Milkie, MA, Nomaguchi, KM, Denny, KE (2015) Does the amount of time mothers spend with children or adolescents matter? Journal of Marriage and Family 77(2): 355–372.
Musick, K, Meier, A, Flood, S (2016) How parents fare: Mothers’ and fathers’ subjective well-being in time with children. American Sociological Review 81(5): 1069–1095
Del Bono, E, Francesconi, M, Kelly, Y, et al. (2016) Early maternal time investment and early child outcomes. Economic Journal 126(596): F96–F135.
Milkie, MA, Nomaguchi, KM, Denny, KE (2015) Does the amount of time mothers spend with children or adolescents matter? Journal of Marriage and Family 77(2): 355–372.
Musick, K, Meier, A, Flood, S (2016) How parents fare: Mothers’ and fathers’ subjective well-being in time with children. American Sociological Review 81(5): 1069–1095