Distress Tolerance for Parents
by Amber Stapleton (Provisional Psychologist)
December 2018
Distress tolerance is the ability to sit with uncomfortable feelings - even just for a short period - in a healthy way. Often, we give in to uncomfortable feelings for exactly that reason, they feel uncomfortable.
by Amber Stapleton (Provisional Psychologist)
December 2018
Distress tolerance is the ability to sit with uncomfortable feelings - even just for a short period - in a healthy way. Often, we give in to uncomfortable feelings for exactly that reason, they feel uncomfortable.
Let’s take the example of removing technology from the home environment. You do so because your child or teen cannot get their head out of their iPad, iPhone, computer, laptop, gaming console etc. By limiting your child’s technology use, you are met with tantrums, door slamming, screaming, crying, and persistent questions of “when can I have my iPad back?”. Eventually you get sick of the pestering, you are angry and frustrated and feel you can’t deal with a second more of the screamings. You give in. But why do you give in? To minimise feeling uncomfortable and to avoid further frustration? Because you don’t want to see your child upset or to hear “you are the worst parent ever and I hate you”? Because you are fed up with the tantrums and constant moaning? Let’s face it, your kids know how to push your buttons!
So, what does giving in teach your child? It shows them that if they persist long enough, they will get what they want. How does this help? In the short term they are happy and satisfied (and you get a bit of peace and quiet) but what about the long-term consequences? Are your children going to be able to understand when ‘no’ means ‘no’ and will they be able to set their own limits and boundaries? Is there going to be a power imbalance where the child thinks they are in control and what will this look like over many years? On the other hand, what does giving in and supressing your emotions do for you? Does it make you feel better or deflated? Does it make you feel resentful, frustrated, disempowered, annoyed or sad? The harmful effect of giving in and avoiding uncomfortable emotions can limit your awareness of emotional experiences and may result in emotional dysregulation, impairing our well-being and potentially leading to depressive and anxious symptoms (Gross and John, 2003).
What are uncomfortable feelings and why do we avoid them?
The types of uncomfortable feelings most people typically tend to avoid are sadness, frustration, anger, annoyance and hopelessness just to name a few. These feelings are unwelcome, unwanted and avoided often for only momentary relief. The reason for this is they cause us stress.
Avoidance of negative emotions is related to the evolutionary fight or flight response to stress. When our body reacts to a stressful event, it releases adrenalin into the bloodstream, increasing the heart rate and raising blood pressure. Breathing can become difficult and we may get the feeling of butterflies in our stomach. This is our body preparing us to fight or flee. It is at this time that emotional avoidance can occur. Instead of listening to our bodies and allowing painful feelings to pass through, we often try to minimise and avoid the feeling because it’s uncomfortable. Instead, we react emotionally. We want to avoid the pain and feel good again so often we do whatever we can to make it go away (cue – giving in). Although avoiding uncomfortable feelings can help in the short term, in the longer term, we are actually modelling avoidance to our children, reinforcing negative behaviours, and unintentionally creating more challenges for our family in the future.
The types of uncomfortable feelings most people typically tend to avoid are sadness, frustration, anger, annoyance and hopelessness just to name a few. These feelings are unwelcome, unwanted and avoided often for only momentary relief. The reason for this is they cause us stress.
Avoidance of negative emotions is related to the evolutionary fight or flight response to stress. When our body reacts to a stressful event, it releases adrenalin into the bloodstream, increasing the heart rate and raising blood pressure. Breathing can become difficult and we may get the feeling of butterflies in our stomach. This is our body preparing us to fight or flee. It is at this time that emotional avoidance can occur. Instead of listening to our bodies and allowing painful feelings to pass through, we often try to minimise and avoid the feeling because it’s uncomfortable. Instead, we react emotionally. We want to avoid the pain and feel good again so often we do whatever we can to make it go away (cue – giving in). Although avoiding uncomfortable feelings can help in the short term, in the longer term, we are actually modelling avoidance to our children, reinforcing negative behaviours, and unintentionally creating more challenges for our family in the future.
Why learn emotional acceptance?
Learning to accept that sometimes we will feel frustrated, sad, angry, or resentful; and learning that this is a normal reaction to stress can help us start the journey into acceptance and learning to cope with uncomfortable feelings. By doing so, we allow ourselves more opportunities to move on quickly from challenges, let go of stress and manage situations better (creating boundaries and not giving into children’s demands). Pain is a natural part of life and we can reassure ourselves that it will pass and that no feeling lasts forever. It is important to be able to sit with the discomfort before acting. By modelling this behaviour, it helps children learn to recognise emotions, problem solve and increase emotional awareness and ability to regulate themselves (Halberstadt, Denham, & Dunsmore, 2001; Halberstadt, Parker, & Castro, 2013; Trentacosta & Fine, 2010)
So how do you sit with uncomfortable feelings?
Being able to sit with uncomfortable feelings is achieved through welcoming and accepting them (e.g. ‘I can feel angry and that is ok, I will allow myself to feel angry right now’).
Notice in your body when you are beginning to feel like giving in and practice mindfulness. Has your breathing become rapid, are your palms sweaty, does your head feel hot? What is your body doing in the moment and how do you recognise it? What can you do to help yourself remain in a calm state and let the feeling pass? Simple strategies such as changing your temperature, taking a mindful walk, using relaxation and breathing techniques and using non-judgemental statements can all help to manage emotional reactions and better prepare you to problem solve. Remind yourself that feelings are just that, and are only passing through.
Get to know them and ask yourself why are you feeling this way. Is it because your child won’t put their shoes on and you are already late? Instead of raising your voice and adding to the chaos you could say to yourself, “I am going to be late for work and my child won’t put their shoes on. I am feeling agitated and annoyed that they are not following my instructions”. While externalising our thoughts and understanding them doesn’t eliminate the feeling associated with them, it does allow us the opportunity to reduce emotions and think more clearly, empowering us to problem solve more effectively (e.g. ‘I am not going to waste my energy being angry as it’s ineffective’).
Remember: Feelings come and go. Although uncomfortable feelings are not easy to manage at the time, allowing time and space to let them move through your body and mind, and watching them pass instead of struggling with them is likely to result in better long term outcomes than avoidance.
For more tips on how to use these strategies refer to https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-dbt-skills-everyone-can-benefit-from/
Take Home Messages
Learning to accept that sometimes we will feel frustrated, sad, angry, or resentful; and learning that this is a normal reaction to stress can help us start the journey into acceptance and learning to cope with uncomfortable feelings. By doing so, we allow ourselves more opportunities to move on quickly from challenges, let go of stress and manage situations better (creating boundaries and not giving into children’s demands). Pain is a natural part of life and we can reassure ourselves that it will pass and that no feeling lasts forever. It is important to be able to sit with the discomfort before acting. By modelling this behaviour, it helps children learn to recognise emotions, problem solve and increase emotional awareness and ability to regulate themselves (Halberstadt, Denham, & Dunsmore, 2001; Halberstadt, Parker, & Castro, 2013; Trentacosta & Fine, 2010)
So how do you sit with uncomfortable feelings?
Being able to sit with uncomfortable feelings is achieved through welcoming and accepting them (e.g. ‘I can feel angry and that is ok, I will allow myself to feel angry right now’).
Notice in your body when you are beginning to feel like giving in and practice mindfulness. Has your breathing become rapid, are your palms sweaty, does your head feel hot? What is your body doing in the moment and how do you recognise it? What can you do to help yourself remain in a calm state and let the feeling pass? Simple strategies such as changing your temperature, taking a mindful walk, using relaxation and breathing techniques and using non-judgemental statements can all help to manage emotional reactions and better prepare you to problem solve. Remind yourself that feelings are just that, and are only passing through.
Get to know them and ask yourself why are you feeling this way. Is it because your child won’t put their shoes on and you are already late? Instead of raising your voice and adding to the chaos you could say to yourself, “I am going to be late for work and my child won’t put their shoes on. I am feeling agitated and annoyed that they are not following my instructions”. While externalising our thoughts and understanding them doesn’t eliminate the feeling associated with them, it does allow us the opportunity to reduce emotions and think more clearly, empowering us to problem solve more effectively (e.g. ‘I am not going to waste my energy being angry as it’s ineffective’).
Remember: Feelings come and go. Although uncomfortable feelings are not easy to manage at the time, allowing time and space to let them move through your body and mind, and watching them pass instead of struggling with them is likely to result in better long term outcomes than avoidance.
For more tips on how to use these strategies refer to https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-dbt-skills-everyone-can-benefit-from/
Take Home Messages
- Feelings come and go, be ok to sit with them and let them pass
- Accept uncomfortable feelings for what they are, explore them, get to know what’s really upsetting you
- Be mindful (notice your breathing, temperature, body signals) before reacting emotionally
- Externalise your thoughts and think outside your head. Try to find the root cause of why you are feeling frustrated or sad to help reduce the emotion and think clearly
- Practice distress tolerance. Allow yourself the time and space to let the feelings move past. Focus on one thing at a time to remain in a calm state, engage in an activity you can completely focus on.
Reference list
Gross J. J., and John O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85 (2), 348 – 362.
Halberstadt, A.G., Denham, S.A., and Dunsmore, S.A. (2001). Affective social competence. Journal of Social Development, 10, 79 – 119.
Halberstadt, A.G., Parker, A.E., and Castro, V.L. (2013). Nonverbal communication: Developmental perspectives. In: Hall JA, Knapp ML, editors. Handbook of Communication Science. Mouton de Gruyter; Berlin.
Trentacosta, C.J., Fine, S.E. (2010) Emotion knowledge, social competence, and behaviour problems in childhood and adolescence: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Social Development,19, 1-29.
Tartakovsky, M. (2015). 3 DBT Skills Everyone Can Benefit From. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 28, 2018, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-dbt-skills-everyone-can-benefit -from/
Gross J. J., and John O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85 (2), 348 – 362.
Halberstadt, A.G., Denham, S.A., and Dunsmore, S.A. (2001). Affective social competence. Journal of Social Development, 10, 79 – 119.
Halberstadt, A.G., Parker, A.E., and Castro, V.L. (2013). Nonverbal communication: Developmental perspectives. In: Hall JA, Knapp ML, editors. Handbook of Communication Science. Mouton de Gruyter; Berlin.
Trentacosta, C.J., Fine, S.E. (2010) Emotion knowledge, social competence, and behaviour problems in childhood and adolescence: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Social Development,19, 1-29.
Tartakovsky, M. (2015). 3 DBT Skills Everyone Can Benefit From. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 28, 2018, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-dbt-skills-everyone-can-benefit -from/