Is it too late to secure a Secure Attachment with my Child?
by - Taryn Hayhurst, BPsycSci(Hons)
October 2019
Trying to be the best parent you can be? It can all start with something as simple as the emotional connection you form with your child through nonverbal communication. This is what’s called Attachment. This attachment, whether it be secure or insecure can affect the way your child develops mentally, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and socially.
What Do You Mean Secure? Or Insecure?Insecure: There are a few different types of insecure attachment that ultimately mean your child’s needs for security and understanding are not being met. So, what happens? This could lead to difficulties in:
Learning
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Secure: Your child feels safe and understood. This means they feel cool, calm and capable enough to be curious and explore their environment, knowing they always have you to turn to. Perks of this? Your child becomes:
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So, How Can I Form or Maintain a Secure Attachment with my Child?
A number of non-verbal skills can be implemented to naturally boost and deepen the quality of your attachment with your child.
Touch – Giving warm hugs, a gentle touch on the arm, or a reassuring pat on the back can convey so much emotion to your child. Fun ways to do this; Piggyback rides, massage, brushing hair.
Fun ways to do this!
- Balloon between two bodies: hold a balloon between your body and your child’s and try to manoeuvre across an obstacle course.
Fun ways to do this!
- Asking questions softly and with curiosity.
- Awareness of tone when punishing or when angry and trying to change this into a softer more understanding way.
Body language – The way you sit, move, and carry yourself communicates a wealth of information to your child. Try sitting with a relaxed, open posture, leaning towards your child and they will feel what they’re saying matters to you.
Facial expression – Expressing emotions such as calm or happiness signals to the child that you are open to communicate.
Eye contact – looking at your child with positive emotions such as happiness, playfulness and love can signal to the child that they can feel safe, relaxed, and happy. Maintaining eye contact also plays an important role in positive forms of communication.
Fun ways to do this!
Facial expression – Expressing emotions such as calm or happiness signals to the child that you are open to communicate.
Eye contact – looking at your child with positive emotions such as happiness, playfulness and love can signal to the child that they can feel safe, relaxed, and happy. Maintaining eye contact also plays an important role in positive forms of communication.
Fun ways to do this!
- Mirroring: have the parent playfully copy what the child is doing. When the child changes the action, the parent should imitate the child. Eye contact, smiles, and laughs are also helpful to promote a healthy relationship and repair or enhance attachment.
- Bean Bag Game: Have the child balance a beanbag on top of their head. The child can only drop the beanbag when the parent blinks.
Obstacles and Distractions
Being present all the time is hard! But remember, you don’t have to always be a perfect parent.
Try and keep track of your own emotions where possible - This doesn’t mean you can’t be vulnerable or can’t be cranky once in a while. But if you feel as though you are constantly in a state of depression, anxiety, anger or grief, this can really impact upon your child’s development.
Self-care for you as a parent is equally as important as your own child’s mental health. If you aren’t looking after yourself, how can you be expected to look after your child? So, take the time to process your emotions, have a bubble bath or watch a football game, go for a run, or read a book. That way your child is exposed to a positive role model using healthy coping mechanisms.
We all know that little distractions can absorb long periods of our time without us even noticing. Over-using our phones, computers and TV can result in missed opportunities to attend to your child’s nonverbal cues.
BUT… try not to stress! It is always important to remember that attachment can be repaired.
Through active involvement with the above strategies, you can reconnect with your child and this can ultimately serve to deepen the trust, resiliency and strength of the parent-child relationship.
Try and keep track of your own emotions where possible - This doesn’t mean you can’t be vulnerable or can’t be cranky once in a while. But if you feel as though you are constantly in a state of depression, anxiety, anger or grief, this can really impact upon your child’s development.
Self-care for you as a parent is equally as important as your own child’s mental health. If you aren’t looking after yourself, how can you be expected to look after your child? So, take the time to process your emotions, have a bubble bath or watch a football game, go for a run, or read a book. That way your child is exposed to a positive role model using healthy coping mechanisms.
We all know that little distractions can absorb long periods of our time without us even noticing. Over-using our phones, computers and TV can result in missed opportunities to attend to your child’s nonverbal cues.
BUT… try not to stress! It is always important to remember that attachment can be repaired.
Through active involvement with the above strategies, you can reconnect with your child and this can ultimately serve to deepen the trust, resiliency and strength of the parent-child relationship.
Sources
- Gilmore, H. (2019). 5 Attachment-Based Activities to Strengthen Parent-Child Relationships. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 8, 2019, from https://pro.psychcentral.com/child-therapist/2014/08/5-attachment-based-activities-to-strengthen-parent-child-relationships/
- J. Segal, M. Glenn & L. Robinson. 2019. What is Secure Attachment and Bonding? Understanding the Different Ways of Bonding and Communicating with Your Infant or Child. Retrieved on October 8, 2019, from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/what-is-secure-attachment-and-bonding.htm
- http://www.sandrawebbcounselling.com/22-developing-attachments-through-
- https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3534157/