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Understanding the Window of Tolerance: A Helpful Tool for Communicating with Children
by Mikaela Stowe - Provisional Psychologist, BPsych (Hons), MPsych (Clin)​
February 2025

​As parents, caregivers, and teachers, understanding how children experience and express their emotions is key to supporting their emotional well-being. One useful concept to help with this is the "Window of Tolerance." Learning about this can improve how we communicate with children, helping them manage their feelings in a safe and supportive way.  

What is our 'Window of Tolerance'? and what happens when children are outside of it?​

Photo Source: ​: Michael Vallejo, LCSW 
​from https://mentalhealthcenterkids.com/blogs/articles/window-of-tolerance   ​

​The "Window of Tolerance" is a term created by Dr. Dan Siegel, a psychiatrist known for his work on the brain and emotions. It describes the range of emotional and physical states in which a person (child or adult) can think clearly, manage their feelings, and respond to situations effectively. When children are within this window, they can stay calm enough to talk things through and solve problems. However, when they are outside this window—either too upset or too withdrawn--it can be harder for them to communicate or manage their emotions.  

​Hyperarousal (Too Much Emotion): This happens when a child is feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or angry. You might notice them being very emotional, upset, or restless. In this state, their body is filled with stress hormones, making it hard for them to think clearly or listen.  
​
Hypoarousal (Too Little Emotion): This is when a child feels disconnected or shuts down emotionally. They might seem sad, quiet, or withdrawn. In this state, the child may have trouble responding to others or even showing emotion, as their body is trying to protect itself from feeling overwhelmed.

How does the Window of Tolerance Model improve communication?
​Understanding the Window of Tolerance can help you communicate more effectively with children. Here’s how: 

1. Recognising Where the Child Is: The first step is to notice if the child is inside or outside their window. If they’re feeling overwhelmed (hyperaroused) or shut down (hypoaroused), it may not be the best time for a serious conversation. It’s important to acknowledge their emotional state first, before trying to talk through things.  
   
2. Signs of Hyperarousal: Restlessness, being very upset, talking too fast, or acting out.  
   
3. Signs of Hypoarousal: Being very quiet, having little energy, or seeming distant or unresponsive.  
   
4. Helping Children Regulate Their Emotions: If a child is outside their window, there are ways to help them get back to a calm place. If they are too upset (hyperaroused), calming techniques like deep breathing, taking a break, or hugging them can help. If they’re too shut down (hypoaroused), getting them moving or offering gentle stimulation like playing or talking can help them re-engage. 
   
5. Modelling Calmness: Children learn from adults, so if you can stay calm during stressful moments, it gives them a good example to follow. When you stay within your own window, it’s easier for the child to return to theirs. 
   
6. Validating Their Emotions: Sometimes, children just need to know that their feelings are understood. Instead of immediately trying to solve the problem or tell them what to do, take a moment to say, “I can see you’re really upset,” or “It looks like you’re feeling overwhelmed right now.” Acknowledging their emotions makes them feel heard and supported.  

Simple tips for Using the Window of Tolerance with Kids

• Know What Triggers Their Emotions: Pay attention to patterns. Does your child become upset during certain situations, like changes in routine or stressful events? Understanding what triggers big emotions can help you manage them better.  

• Create a Safe Environment: Children feel more comfortable when they know they are in a safe space to express their emotions. Having a balance of structure and flexibility in their daily routine and offering quiet spaces for relaxation can help.  

• Try “Time-In” Instead of “Time-Out”: When a child is upset, isolating them might make things worse. Instead, stay with them and offer comfort and support. This “time-in” approach can help them calm down and feel better, rather than feeling more stressed.  

• Focus on Connection: The most important thing you can do is stay connected with the child. Whether it’s through a hug, a gentle voice, or a playful distraction, staying emotionally connected helps children feel safe enough to regulate their feelings.  ​​

Image Source: https://lindsaybraman.com/emotional-regulation-rainbow/

The Window of Tolerance is a simple but powerful idea that can make a big difference in how we communicate with children. By recognising when children are feeling overwhelmed or shut down and using the right strategies to help them calm down, we can create a supportive environment where they feel safe to express their emotions. When children know they are understood and supported, they are better able to handle difficult emotions and grow into emotionally healthy and resilient individuals. 

References
National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine. How to help your clients understand their window of tolerance [Infographic].  
Corrigan FM, Fisher JJ, and Nutt DJ. Autonomic dysregulation and the window of tolerance model of the effects of complex emotional trauma. 21 January 2010.  
Jersey Psychology and Wellbeing Service. The window of tolerance: Supporting the wellbeing of children and young people. May 2020.  
Drake K. What is your window of tolerance? 19 November 2021. 

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